Let’s talk about damage.  Yup, real bonafied damage.  The kind that makes your wallet go UGH!  This story starts with a horse that we had for not too long.  It ends in Kaching!  What’s in the middle?

One fine day we have gotten our shiny semi-new horse out and have got her tied to the hitchin’ post.  I don’t recall exactly as it was 20 something years ago, but my wife was cleaning her hooves or brushing her or something when the horse gets spooked.  She jumps (the horse not my wife… OK both of them) in every direction and finally pulls on the halter until she BENDS the steel pipe and has it leaning out of the ground.

I gotta hand it to the halter for not breaking.  I gotta hand it to my wife for being fleet of foot to get out of the way of the 1000 pound rodeo but geeez… we just bent 3 “ steel pipe at a place we rent.  Hope no one notices.

Then another time we have the horse over near the Camaro we owned at that time.  Again, I don’t remember … we were getting something out of the car and it was a shady spot…but anyway, we were a little close to my wife’s Camaro.  Again something spooked our big girl and sideways she goes.  Folded that mirror on the driver’s door flat.  Funny, it didn’t USED to be that way!  Car customization at its finest.  Since I am in charge of fixing cars I was …uh…less than pleased.  But I can do these stories all day.

Next comes the borrowed horse trailer.  I think I managed to miss this fiasco in person.  My wife was gonna take the horse somewhere.  She didn’t have a trailer yet.  Her good horse buddy loaned her the horse trailer and of course, newbies that we are thought “what can go wrong?”  Did I mention there are HORSES involved in this story?  A horse can create a problem out of thin air.  They can hurt themselves in a rubber room.  I only wish I was kidding.

Anyway… once again big girl is tied up…this time to the center support on the trailer when she spooks.  Remember that 3” steel pipe she bent.  Well the center support on a two horse trailer is smaller than that.  When she pulled on the halter this time the center support comes out.  That means the top has to come down.  “I wonder if she’ll notice?” we asked.  Surely anyone with half a brain cell would.  So we did what you do for your buddies.  We bent the crap out of her trailer so we have to fix it. KACHING!

I know the above stories make it sound like all big girl did was spook.  That was not the case at all but the moral to this story is that when they do….. WHEN THEY DO… you better have insurance.  As it turned out big girl (name changed to protect the not so innocent) was really a fine horse that has never been given a chance.  With a lot of love and training she became one of the best horses anyone could ask for over the years.  She became my wife’s “go to” horse and gentle enough to be used for riding lessons by the kids at the stables.

But that won’t stop me from telling you these tales that are 97% true.  Most are humorous upon reflection, but cost us lots of rapid heartbeats and dollars during the day.

Do you have a story like these?  Add a comment and let us know?

Of course this is all my own fault and it turned out OK over the years, but let me tell you this started out life as a disaster.  Just sayin’…

Keep in mind that about half of what I tell you is either out of sequence, wrong or made up.  Just ask my wife.  But this will give you the gist of things anyway…but pay attention cause this is NOT how you are supposed to go about getting a horse.  We know.  We learned the hard way and we were LUCKY!  You may not be.

So anyway…

There was a guy where I worked that said he had a horse for sale.  Funny, I had a wife that wanted one.  What a coincidence!  He said his wife didn’t want to ride this horse anymore.  She got bucked off once and was scared of her.  That sounds perfect…just like a horse we should buy.

On top of that this was a race horse that no longer raced.  Well I like all things fast.  We had a Camaro.  So once again, this sounded perfect.  Funny this horse wasn’t even that expensive.  WOW!  What luck.  I mean… how much could a horse cost after you owned it?  To say we were young and stupid was an understatement.

When I told my wife of this great plan it didn’t take long before I had hoofprints on my forehead trying to stay out of the way of this transaction.  Hey this horse looked great.  She was a big girl, beautiful and friendly. And she was going to be aaaaall ours.

The previous owner showed us our new girl liked beer.  I like beer, so this had to be a sign.

Now my wife found a place for the horse, not toooo far from the house.  It was full service but this place was an amazing piece of history.  It was near the airport.  Sometime back in the 40′s this place was a world class facility that must have been something to see. But since it was now 30 years later it was run down.

Still… that is where we decided to go.

We borrowed a trailer.  Oh you need one of those? KA-CHING! we went to go pick up the horse.  It was a small 2 horse trailer and this horse had been fat, dumb and happy in the pasture for some time.  Ya know… sometimes, horses don’t like trailers.  I thought they just walked right in.  “Hey… give her a beer!”  Horses get all “scared” to go in the dark hole.  The booger man might get them. Whatever.

Heck we expected the owner we were buying from would just waltz the horse right on into the trailer and we would go down the road.  Yea, that didn’t happen. Not by a long shot.

After about an hour of coaxing, pleading and begging the horse to get in the trailer, we tried getting a couple of us to lock hands and shove the horse in the trailer.  OK that gets pretty scary.  You have this 1000 pound snorting mess backing out of the trailer at 800 mph and YOU are in the way. A fellow could get stomped on and need a ride in the big white machine with the siren.

So then we got a stock trailer (no solid sides) so it wasn’t dark and scary and she walked right in.  Well it wasn’t totally easy but easier than what we had been doing.  Up till now joining the Marines would have been easier.

Off we go to our new stables.  We even managed to get her off the trailer with out needing an ambulance.  I have no idea how … looking back.  My wife wanted to walk her new girl around and show her new girl the fence line and the surroundings in general.  Our new girl was prancing around.  Hey it was scary getting moved to a new place.  I get that.

Finally the moment of truth came and my wife took the halter off so our girl can run around the pasture.  Did I mention this place was next to the airport?  Well it also turned out that this year they were redoing the runway and so instead of taking off N/S like they always do, they were taking off to the west which was … you guessed it…right over our head.

So you couldn’t have timed this better if you were making a movie, but at the INSTANT my wife let go of the halter a jet came SCREAMING over the treeline and our new girl went straight up.  All she needed was Roy Rogers on her back!  Then she took off like a rocket sled.

I looked at my wife.  My wife looked at me and looked panicked.

Holly cow.  I can almost here the ka-ching noise now.  Will she run into the fence?  Jump the fence?  Will my wife die of a heart attack?  Maan I knew my drawers were gonna need cleaning out when I got home.

We had a crazy butt race horse that was scared out of her minds and two newbie owners who new more about a Camaro than a horse.

THIS is the way we started our new life with our new girl.  The first adventure of many to come.

I am not sure I liked the way this was shaping up.  I don’t know if you guys are paying attention to this blog, but if you are dating a girl who is interested in horses you might want to PAY ATTENTION!!!!

Let’s look at the details.

1. I am out money for buying the horse.  Ka-CHING!
2. I am not playing my guitar.
3. We are now paying monthly rent (Ka-Ching!) for the privilege of getting to go out and try to handle a new horse with Jets screaming overhead.

On the bright side:

1. She loves the whole thing.  I was her hero.  I bought my honey a horse.  That was major brownie points.
2. Our horse never tried to kill me.  In fact, she was a good girl until you actually tried anything like riding her. Uh-Oh
3. My wife was getting the immersion method of learning about horses.  (Years later she became a true expert but when we started…well…)
4. My wife looks good in Cowboy clothes.

Eventually you need to actually RIDE a horse.  Well guess who got to rider her first?  Did I mention that young and stupid thing?  I did didn’t I?

We’ll save that one for next time.  Will it take another trip to the doctor?

I had been married to her awhile when she started jabbering about horses.  First it was “aren’t they pretty?” and soon that turned into “wish I had one” with the emphasis on the word “I”.

I managed to do the manly thing and ignore this whole problem for awhile.  It has been so long ago that now I forget how long I dodged this bullet.

Further she didn’t just want to get a horse she actually wanted to RIDE them.  Good grief!  Couldn’t we just get you a horse coloring book?  Nope.  She was getting INTERESTED.

It turns out that she had been interested since she was a kid but somehow this discussion got missed all the way up till months (or was it years) into the marriage.  Dunno.  Whatever.

Now years later I KNOW why that was not discussed.  Everything related to a horse starts with a sound.  KA-CHING!  Soon to be followed by the sound of destruction, mayhem, broken cars, torn up trailers, vet bills galore, and so much more.

And if you think I am kidding well stick around buck-o  as I will unveil this story as the pages unfold.

OK fine you say, but how did she talk you into getting a horse.  Not so fast.  I have YEARS of torment to drag out.  If I gotta suffer, then YOU gotta suffer. 

First thing I had to do was get her ridin’ lessons.  Yup.  Not just any ridin’ lessons mind you, the had to be dressage lessons… or better yet jumping lessons.  Well me bein’ the bright boy that I am didn’t know why she wanted to learn how to dress a horse and you damn well don’t need a horse to JUMP so just get yer little fanny out there and git to it.

WHAT?  You still want ridin’ lessons.  OK.  Well I surprised her with some.  I called every idiot in the phone book and told them I wanted jumping lessons for my wife.  The smart trainers told me that I was the idiot and that she needed a good foundation before she started jumping.

Well me being hard headed said “NEXT” and kept dialing for dollars…you know the kind where YOU have to PAY the dollars.  Anyway, I found a gal who said sure thing I will have her fallin’ on her ass…er… I mean … jumping in NO TIME.

And in just that… NO TIME… I had a super happy wife who couldn’t believe I had actually gotten these lessons for her.  And in NO TIME I had a wife over the horse, crashed into a wooden jump that was made out of timbers big enough for Noah to build an ARK with.

Next stop…the doctor’s office.  This would not be the last.

The saga continues…